*The characters and events depicted in this article are entirely fictitious, any similarity to names or incidents is entirely coincidental.

Leaders from across the globe convened at an exclusive three-day summit entitled “The Art of Looking Busy.”

Hosted at the Four Seasons Hotel, the gathering’s emphasis lay in the illusion of addressing pressing global issues, all while subtly sidestepping any actual action. The curriculum included advanced workshops in verbal gymnastics, how to offer vague assurances (new this year), and expert-level sidestepping, helping attendees master the fine art of looking productive while actually doing nothing.

One of many lecturers, Governor Gridlock shared strategies for empty rhetoric and crafting seemingly robust action plans that, upon closer scrutiny, reveal their hollowness. He described dodging questions from the press as an “Olympic-level sport” for him. The entire spectacle unfolded like a carefully choreographed ballet, twirling around the glaring issue—a recent housing policy scorecard that unapologetically ranked his state the most racist.

One business leader, speaking on condition of anonymity, shared their excitement about prioritizing talk over walk in the “COP-OUT” room (not to be confused with the similarly showy COP28, a large-scale assembly bringing together world leaders for climate negotiations¹) saying, “This is exactly what we needed! Now, when people ask about our climate goals, we can dazzle them with esoteric jibber-jabber from our ivory tower, leaving them too confused to question our non-existent results.”

Met with a chilling and indifferent promise of “continued dialogue” when addressing the genocidal violence in Gaza, spectators couldn’t help but wonder if they were part of a summit on global issues or unwittingly cast in a badly scripted soap opera. Unprecedented democratic backsliding was dismissed as a mere “ebb and flow of political tides,” with one leader suggesting that sometimes democracy needed a break, just like Ross and Rachel from “Friends”.

As the seminars concluded, leaders huddled together, exchanging high-fives and dab-ups over their hot-off-the-press certificates. “Finally,” sung one executive from a fast retailing company, “we can assure our stakeholders that we’re ‘actively working’ on the issues, and they’ll be none the wiser.” Another executive chimed in, “It’s like telling someone you’re on a diet while hiding a doughnut behind your back!”

Critics, however, were quick to point out that while the seminar provided leaders with excellent theatrical training, it did little to address the actual problems facing the world.

Organizers quickly shared plans for next year’s summit, titled “Solving the World in One Summit”, where they promised to be more clear in responding to “actual problems” (air quotes theirs). The event is poised to unfold against the backdrop of a world more disorganized than a high school teen’s bedroom – a global game of AI Monopoly and a mishmash of crises in Gaza, Yemen, Tigray, Sudan, and Haiti as if the universe decided to play Twister with geopolitical issues.

¹ As last year’s host country, the UAE handpicked Dr. Sultan al-Jaber to lead the discussion. It’s noteworthy that he serves as the CEO of ADNOC, Abu Dhabi’s state-owned oil company. Scientists stress that preventing a temperature rise beyond 1.5 degrees Celsius demands significant cuts in CO2 emissions, primarily from burning oil and gas. Even still, documents obtained by BBC expose the UAE’s intention to exploit its role as COP28 host for oil and gas deals, with briefings indicating discussions with 15 nations. The documents detail plans to discuss fossil fuel agreements, such as Adnoc’s interest in LNG opportunities in Mozambique, Canada, and Australia, and lobbying for support in a bid for Latin America’s largest oil and gas processing company. What a curious situation!